Untitled
by Luke1
Summary: A darker take on Han and Leia's relationship. A year and a half after Endor, an accidental pregnancy threatens to tear the newly weds apart. Questions of morality and love--to keep a child safe from a bad life or to never give it the chance.


Han arrived home to find Leia crying.  
  
She was laying on their bed, sobbing quietly on a pillow, tiny, beautiful frame shaking with her breath. Han, stunned, rushed to her side and knelt, placing a reassuring hand on her back, murmuring, "Leia, sweetheart...what's the matter, baby, what happened?"  
  
She took a long breath, seemed to regain control, and then lost it again when she tried to speak, her voice muffled by the pillow, "I don't want to talk about it."  
  
"Did somethin' happen?" Han couldn't stand it if it was someone else he and Leia loved, lost in battle.  
  
She must have caught his fleeting thought, because she said, "It's nothing like that."  
  
He slowly and gently coaxed her to roll over. Her face was all blotchy, and she refused to meet his eyes with her sad, glassy ones. "Come on, babe," Han said, refusing to accept this distance she was placing between them. "Tell me what's going on."  
  
She looked quickly into his eyes, as if weighing his intentions, and then whispered listlessly, "It doesn't matter. It'll be gone soon, anyway."  
  
"What will?" Han didn't like her dark tone. It frightened him. "Sweetheart, if this concerns me, you got to tell me."  
  
She swallowed, looked back at him. "Hold me," she said, and he did, tightly, letting her know that he was here, he was a part of her and her life, not something abstract, not something fleeting. He was her sphere, her terrestrial body that she could hold on to and be safe from everything else in the dark of the universe.  
  
Except things that were directly caused by him.  
  
"I'm pregnant," she whimpered into his ear after a pause. Han felt his heart sink.  
  
"How?" he asked, mind recoiling. "We been careful–"  
  
"We knew the medds were only ninety-eight percent effective, Han."  
  
It was true. He nuzzled her neck, his very soul in turmoil. Maybe someday he'd want to be a father. But not today; the future was far too uncertain. What if he was lost in battle? What if Leia was? What if something happened to her while she was pregnant? He couldn't put a child in jeopardy like that, and he couldn't risk orphaning his child as he himself had been. But wait–  
  
"Did you say, 'it'll be gone soon'?"  
  
She nodded. "We can't keep it. You know that as well as I do. We can't bring a child into this war."  
  
"Yeah...but you can't make that choice without me!" Suddenly all of his heed for the future was gone, all of his concern for his baby. All of his emotion went to Leia, who had the nerve to try take his child away from him.  
  
"Who are you to make me have a child I don't want?!" She pushed him away in anger and stood, spitting fire. "If I don't want to go through with it, it's my right to–"  
  
"Of course it's your right!" Han shouted in return. "But you can't make that decision without even talking to me about it first! It's my baby, too!" Han stopped at his words. My baby. Baby...his....  
  
"Han, I know you don't want it! You're just doing this to fight with me! You always take the opposite stance! You just do it to make me mad!"  
  
"Make you mad? Make you mad? Leia, this is a kid we're talking about! We ain't fighting about trivial things anymore! This is important!"  
  
"Then maybe you should have some time to think about it."  
  
"Me? Maybe you should. I ain't saying that you have to keep it–I just want to talk about it."  
  
She folded her arms cooly across her chest. "All right. We're talking about it."  
  
Han knew she wouldn't listen. "We're not talking about it. You're gonna let me say what I have to say, and then you'll get all fired up again no matter what it is!"  
  
She glared. "I knew this marriage was a bad idea." She stormed into the common, with Han in her wake.  
  
"Leia! Stop it! If you get started up on that again, then I'll just have to leave. Is that what you want? Because that's what you're acting like!"  
  
"Maybe it is!" She turned to face him. "All we do is fight. Regardless of the war, Han...how can we bring a child into this marriage?"  
  
She was right. He looked at her with sad eyes, not coming a step closer. "We've been married for four months and it's not any easier. I'm not ready to be a father." He looked away.  
  
"No. You're not."  
  
"Just wait." He pleaded. "Wait for a few days. Talk to Luke about it. Make sure–"  
  
"No." "I'm not lettin' you go to the meddward until you come to your senses," he warned.  
  
"You can't stop me!"  
  
"Yes, I can!"  
  
She glared again. "I think you should go."  
  
He nodded slowly. "Fine. I'm goin'. I can see you've got it all under control here!"  
  
He darted back into his room, grabbing his jacket and his still packed bag from yesterday, and left the apartment without giving Leia another glance.  
  
****  
  
Han was working in the engine of the Falcon when a familiar voice said, "Hey!"  
  
He turned around in surprise to find his brother-in-law smiling mischievously behind him. "You fuckin' scared me, kid!"  
  
Luke laughed. "I try my best." They hugged, and when they drew away, Luke asked, "What's wrong?"  
  
Han sighed. "No hidin' anythin' from you, is there?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Leia threw me out."  
  
Luke blinked. "Threw you out?" he repeated, sounding slightly amused. "Like, actually threw you out? What did you do?"  
  
"Kid, it ain't funny."  
  
He sobered. "Did you have a fight?"  
  
Han nodded. "I think so. Not sure what it was about anymore–seemed like we were taking the same side. She was just mad at me because I was arriving at the right conclusion form the wrong angle." He sighed, leaning up against the bulkhead, regarding his multi-tool listlessly.  
  
"What started it?"  
  
He drew a deep breath, knowing that Luke only asked from concern, and there was no hiding these things from him, anyway. "She's pregnant."  
  
Luke's eyes grew wide, and he didn't speak.  
  
"Or was, anyway, three days ago. She said she was going to get rid of it, but I don't know if she went through with it."  
  
The boy nodded, leaning up next to Han. "Stars..." he murmured, wistfully. "She didn't tell me she was pregnant."  
  
"You've been gone."  
  
"Yeah, but...she must be really upset, to not have sent me a message about it."  
  
"Luke, she almost didn't tell me."  
  
His blue eyes flashed up to Han. "I find that hard to believe."  
  
"Well, she was actin' like it anyway."  
  
Luke slid to the floor and sat, cross-legged, pondering. "You haven't talked to her in three days?"  
  
Han shook his head.  
  
"Can I ask you...do you want the baby, then?"  
  
He hesitated. Han knew that the boy meant well, that he would, given the chance, do anything to get a niece or nephew, but first and foremost, would try to keep the three of them together and happy, at all costs. He knew Luke loved them. "It doesn't matter what I want. I have no idea if I want it. It doesn't matter 'cause we can't keep it. She's right about that. To bring a child into a war is just plain wrong, no matter what. And I'm startin' to think that to bring a child into mine and Leia's marriage would be just plain malicious–"  
  
"Han, you and Leia love each other!"  
  
"Yeah...."  
  
"No, Han! You do. Don't let this fight cloud your thinking. Okay, say Leia's had an...an abortion. You'd be mad at her. I know you would, because she did it without your consent. But you'd still love her. Right?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Say you go home and talk to her about it before she has a chance to do it, and you two still decide to go through with it. You choose not to have the baby, but you keep your relationship intact. Or maybe you keep it–" "Kid, that's not an option. I know you'd love that, but–"  
  
"Okay, okay. I know I'm not one to interfere with this. But my point is, you can't let this come between you, no matter what choice is made. You need to go talk to her."  
  
"She didn't want to talk."  
  
"Well, then it seems she's the one who needs convincing, not you." He rose and turned to go.  
  
"Luke."  
  
He looked back.  
  
"Um...go easy on her, okay? This is hard for her."  
  
He smiled. "Don't worry. I know it is."  
  
****  
  
Luke found Leia asleep on the couch in their common. She was sleeping so deeply, that Luke decided not to disturb her. After all, she was pregnant, and needed to rest as much as she could. Or, if she was no longer pregnant, she was recovering from the operation or pills or whatever it was they gave her, so she needed sleep in that case as well. Luke turned to go to his room, looking at her lovingly, sadly, as he went.  
  
At his door, he stopped, curious. Maybe if she was still pregnant, he would be able, if he tried, to sense the presence of the child. He closed his eyes, probing Leia softly, so as not to wake her up. After a few moments, he felt a spark inside of her, a faint, strange, pulsing glimmer, with traces of Han on it and traces of Leia as well, and yet distinctly its own. In excitement, Luke let his control slip, and Leia awoke.  
  
She stirred, opening her eyes to find Luke standing in his doorway sheepishly. "Sorry," he whispered, pulling away. "Go back to sleep."  
  
Leia sat up in alarm. "Don't give me that, Luke. You were spying on me!" She paused as she realized just what he had been looking for. "You know, don't you? You've been to see Han."  
  
He nodded, coming to sit on the floor in front of the couch, refusing to fight with her, but insisting instead upon trying to calm her down, be her brother. "Are you all right?"  
  
Sighing, she shifted her pillows. "No, I'm not." She spoke through clenched teeth. "I have terrible morning sickness, I'm tired all the time, I have no idea what to do about this, and Han left me."  
  
"He said you threw him out." "I did. I didn't think he'd leave for days at a time." She settled down onto the couch, her head about level with Luke's. "He usually just spends a few hours or the night at the most on the Falcon, comes home, and we both say we're sorry. He didn't come home this time."  
  
"This is a bigger deal than it's ever been before, Leia. This is about your child."  
  
"He's so stubborn."  
  
"You're more so."  
  
She smiled half-heartedly. "Don't I get a proper hello?"  
  
Luke smiled in return and gathered her up in his arms. He kissed her cheek and held her for a long time. "Hey."  
  
"Hey."  
  
He drew away and she kissed his cheek this time. "I needed you here, Luke. It would have been easier. Why are you gone all the time?"  
  
"I have my reasons. I have no way of knowing before I go somewhere if you'll need me while I'm gone. But I'll be here until this is sorted out, okay?"  
  
"Okay." She flinched and rubbed her stomach. "Oh, gods...."  
  
"Nauseous?"  
  
She nodded. "It happens whenever I wake up, no matter if it's morning or not. It almost makes me not want to go to sleep, but sleep always wins out in the end."  
  
"Leia?"  
  
She looked up with sad, dark eyes. "Yes?"  
  
"Leia, Han said you were getting rid of it. Why haven't you?"  
  
She shook her head. "I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was afraid that I was doing it out of spite, and I couldn't let that be the reason. It wasn't originally, but it became that way. And...I think I'm starting to want him. I know it's crazy, and I know I can't have him, but I wish I could...."  
  
"No, it's not crazy, Leia..." he said soothingly, cuddling her. "It's not crazy at all. You should want him. I understand if you feel like you can't have him, but he's you and Han...you should love him."  
  
That made Leia break. She put her head on Luke's shoulder and cried. "I do love him," she sniffed. "I love him, but I don't want him. I'm terrified!"  
  
"Leia, you need to talk to Han."  
  
She just held him and cried for a while, finally calming. He lay her back down on the couch and pushed the stray hairs, wet with tears, off of her face. "It's a boy?"  
  
She nodded. "Yes. I didn't want to know, but I couldn't resist looking at the test results. They check his DNA for abnormalities and to make sure he's all right, and while they're at it they determine the sex. It's a boy."  
  
Luke asked, still finding it difficult to believe that Leia was carrying a child, "When are you due?"  
  
She shook her head. "I don't know. It's in the test results, but I didn't look. I'm not due anytime, Luke. I'm not having this baby."  
  
"Right...okay. Well, how far along are you, then?"  
  
"Three weeks."  
  
"How did this happen?"  
  
"It was an accident! Do you think we were trying to–"  
  
"No. It's just...never mind. Han wants to talk to you."  
  
"I don't want to talk to him."  
  
"For how long, Leia?"  
  
She sighed. "I don't know."  
  
"Not forever."  
  
"No...not forever." She lay back down, hand on her upper stomach in response to the nausea. Luke tried to imagine her stomach, which had always been flat, though she had been much more curvy in years past, round with child, but he couldn't. She was so small and so young, too young to be a mother it seemed, to small to have such a life grow within her, but Luke knew that she was capable, nonetheless. "We both just need to cool down."  
  
"He has cooled down. He knows that its better to have an abortion, Leia. He's just angry with you for not involving him in the decision. It's his son, too. He loves him, too."  
  
Leia looked up in surprise, then frowned. "I doubt the thought of this problem being a person has occurred to him."  
  
"You don't give him any credit. I feel it coming from him. He wants the baby, though he wouldn't admit it to me. You know why he wouldn't admit it?"  
  
Leia shook her head.  
  
"Because he wants to agree with you! He wants to come home and be your husband again. He wants to have children with you when the time is right."  
  
She stared off into the distance, thinking. Luke held her hand, trying to soothe her. "Luke?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Do you think it would be wrong to...."  
  
"Keep the baby?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"I don't know," he admitted, honestly. "I really don't know. I don't know how we would...and its so dangerous...."  
  
She nodded again. "I know. Could you do me a favor?"  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Go get Han for me?"  
  
Luke smiled. "Of course." He rose. "It'll take a little while. Try to rest, okay?"  
  
She nodded once again and gave his hand a squeeze, closing her eyes.  
  
****  
  
She was only half asleep, so she was aware of the door opening and Han's footfalls, not as soft as Luke's and a little farther apart. She heard him kneel at her side. "Sweetheart," he whispered, kissing her forehead, "I'm so, so sorry."  
  
She gathered him up in her arms, and he returned it, and they just held one another for a long while, passionately. Leia squeezed her eyes shut against the tears; she would not cry again.  
  
When Han drew away, she saw his eyes quickly flick to her stomach and back up to her eyes. "You didn't do it?" She shook her head. "You were right. I couldn't do it without you. He's your son, too."  
  
"My...my son?"  
  
"Luke didn't tell you? A boy. We're having a boy."  
  
Han drew away. "Woah–wait. We're not having anything."  
  
"I wanted to talk to you about that. Couldn't we try to find a way–"  
  
"No!" Han rose, determined. "No way."  
  
"Can't we just talk about it?"  
  
"Oh, so now you want to talk, huh? Okay. Let's talk. What if we get killed, Leia? What then? Then this kid," he pointed at her stomach, "will be an orphan. Like I am. Do you have any idea what it was like growin' up an orphan, Leia? Of course you don't, because even if your father and step- mother were killed, then you'd still be a princess and have people looking out for you. I didn't have anyone looking out for me. No one. And even after they put me in the orphanage, it was hard, because the people who ran that place didn't care what happened to you. They were just tryin' to make ends meet for their own families. What the fuck did they care what happened to a quiet, insolent little kid whose parents were probably really low class anyway? They didn't give a damn what happened to me, if I ate, if the older kids beat me up. It was hard. It was a really hard way to grow up, because I didn't get to have any real childhood at all. I want my son to have a real childhood, babe." He knelt before her again, taking her hands. "No son of mine is going to grow up the way I did."  
  
Leia stared at him in astonishment. "Han...."  
  
"Now do you get it? We can't have him."  
  
"Do you know why I was so scared? Why I am so scared?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Because I didn't want my child to grow up in the middle of a war, like I did. While the Empire was taking control, I was extremely young and Father used to take me with him everywhere, to make sure I was safe. I think he didn't want to let me out of his sight so that the Empire could capture me–they could easily have found out whose daughter I really was. I didn't want my son to be a target."  
  
Han nodded. "Yeah...me, neither." He looked down at their intertwined hands and whispered, "I love you."  
  
She sighed. "I love you, too, Han." He leaned in to kiss her, and she kissed him back, softy.  
  
"So, then...I guess we should go to the meddward tomorrow. Get it over with."  
  
She nodded. "Probably for the best."  
  
"Yeah...or, maybe...."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Wait for a few days. Or...I mean...we don't have to make this decision today, do we? Luke said you're three weeks. So you just need to have the abortion while you're in your first trimester, right? We could take longer to make sure we're doing the right thing."  
  
"The sooner I get it, the easier it will be."  
  
"Okay, okay. So...wait a week?"  
  
Leia smiled. "It sounds like you're not so sure you don't want him."  
  
Han smiled cautiously in return. "Then why are you smiling?"  
  
Both smiled broadened as they realized what the other implied. Han drew Leia close to him and kissed her passionately. "Sweetheart," he whispered close to her lips, "that's crazy. Are you sure you can handle it?"  
  
She shook her head, frightened and raptured. "No, I'm not sure. I don't think I've ever been less sure about anything in my life."  
  
They kissed again.  
  
"Why, then?"  
  
"Because there is one thing I'm sure about," she answered.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"I want to be a mother. I want to have your children."  
  
Han sat back on the floor, feeling winded. "I don't know.... I don't think this is a good idea."  
  
She echoed his words. "Then why are you smiling?"  
  
His smile turned playful and he pulled her down on top of him and they lay there for a long time, kissing on the floor. "Because I'm gonna be a father." He laughed; the irony and sheer joy were overwhelming. "I'm gonna be a father."  
  
****  
  
When Luke came home that evening, the apartment was quiet. He sensed Han and Leia both in their bedroom, dosing peacefully. He smiled to himself, and breathed a thank you to whatever higher power had influenced this. Regardless of the child, as long as Han and Leia were together, Luke was happy. He'd ask them in the morning what they had decided to do, but he knew the same plan was probably in existence, except with them in it together. That was all right. He knew they had to have children when they were ready, and that it would happen someday.  
  
He went to the kitchenette, looking to see if there was anything easy to make that vaguely resembled dinner. He was just looking at the cooking instructions on the back of a box of a noodle something when he felt Han wake up. His and Leia's bedroom door opened quietly, Han still fastening his pants when he greeted Luke sheepishly and happily.  
  
"Got it worked out?" Luke asked.  
  
"Yeah. Hey–turn on some lights in here. I don't know what it is with you–it's like you don't notice that it's dark when you come home."  
  
"It's not that dark yet." He flipped on the kitchenette lights nonetheless, looking back at the box. "Is this any good?"  
  
"Nah. Make the one in the bag–it's better. No, wait. I'll make it. If I let you make it, gods know we'll be scraping burnt noodles from the bottom of the cooker."  
  
Luke put the box away and handed him the bag. It was fine with him. Cooking was a chore, and working on Uncle Owen's farm had taught him to hate chores with a vengeance. "So...you and Leia are okay, then?"  
  
Han grinned, taking the cooker out of the cabinet. "Never better."  
  
"That's good. So...I guess you guys will be going to the meddward pretty soon, then? If you want, I'd like to come along for support...what?"  
  
Han was smiling so broadly that he'd thrown Luke clean off. "We're keepin' it. Him–we're keepin' him."  
  
Luke's heart leaped. Until now he had not dared to allow himself to imagine being an uncle, not dared get his hopes up. He would support his best friends, whatever they did, knowing that they were what was really important. After all, he saw their points, about the impossibility of having a child in a time of war. But this–this is what he had wanted all along. He knew it was crazy, but.... He hugged Han so suddenly that it threw the bigger man off, and he had to catch himself. But then he held Luke in return. "That's crazy," the boy murmured.  
  
"We know," Han replied. "But there's no gettin' past the fact that we really, really want him. That's why we were so scared, because we couldn't stand the idea of him ever sufferin'. I'm still scared–scared as hell. But we'll work it out." He drew away to look Luke in the eye. "Kid...if something ever happens to me and Leia...you'll take care of our son, right?"  
  
Luke smiled. "Of course. You don't have to worry about that. I'd be honored."  
  
"All right. Good. We have to figure out a way to keep him out of danger, too. Hopefully, things'll be better by the time he comes."  
  
Luke nodded. "I hope so. Force knows you and Leia deserve some peace yourselves. You think Leia can handle carrying a child with everything that's going on?"  
  
Han winced. "If I know her, she's going to be a mess of hormones, but she's twice as strong and ten times as stubborn as she looks. She'll make it."  
  
Luke smiled. "I know. Looks like we'll both be dealing with that for the next eight months."  
  
"Yeah...no kidding."  
  
"I'll be around more," Luke offered, trying to be helpful.  
  
"That'd be great. I'm gonna ask Mon Mothma to cut down on sending me away, too. I got a wife and kid to think about."  
  
Han and Luke exchanged amused glances, both contemplating the absurdity of Han Solo having a wife and kid. "Don't worry, Luke." He ruffled his hair. "I'll take care of her." 


End file.
